


sedated

by royalmilkicetae



Category: bts
Genre: 5+1 Things, Anxiety Attacks, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 01:34:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20368444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalmilkicetae/pseuds/royalmilkicetae
Summary: 5 times Yoongi kissed Namjoon drunk and the time he kissed him sober.





	sedated

**Author's Note:**

> hi dear readers, i want to suggest something to go along with this fic. i wrote this fic with inspiration from hozier's song "sedated", hence the title. i feel that it fits pretty well with the theme and packs an extra element to the fic. if you would listen to that (or have already listened to it [ily fellow hozier stan]) i suggest you do and it would make my heart very happy and hopefully add something to this cute lil namgi i wrote.
> 
> n e ways ill shut up and let you read now ily

i.

Yoongi stands in the glistening field of wheat, taking in the sweet rays of golden sunset. A cold bottle of alcohol rests in his hand. His car idles behind him, music streaming through the speakers. Namjoon sits inside it, his skin turned a stunning shade of honey. He's watching Yoongi watch him, a strange type of cycle neither of them want to break. Yoongi makes a motion for Namjoon to come out, so he clicks open the door and steps out. He walks over to Yoongi and attepts to take the beer slowly out of his hand. Yoongi snatches it away before Namjoon's hand can even touch the bottle.

"Don't," he says softly. Namjoon just nods.

Yoongi doesn't drink just to drink, he drinks to get drunk. Namjoon knows this. There's no way around it; it's just the way Yoongi is, the way he has become. It's his means of escaping the world for just a little while.

Namjoon seems to understand the unspoken words between them and leaves him alone, becomes a silent support when Yoongi sits down in the field and tugs Namjoon with him, leaning on him.

After a while, Yoongi starts to babble about sleep, babble about his bed, babble about not wanting to live anymore. Namjoon takes him in his arms and hoists him up, assisting him as they walk to the car.

Namjoon has no idea how to drive, and it's nighttime now. Yoongi's apartment is twenty minutes away, but he gets into the driver's seat anyways and drives the route back to Yoongi's home. Yoongi keeps babbling the whole way there. He goes on and on about random things, some of it Namjoon understands, the rest he doesn't.

Namjoon tries his best to park nicely by Yoongi's apartment but fails miserably and decides not to try again. He walks Yoongi up the flights of steps. Why does his apartment have to be on the top floor? He opens the door after punching in the code, prompting Yoongi to go inside. The elder hesitates.

Namjoon doesn't know what's happening until it's over; Yoongi just got up on his tiptoes, put his hands on both sides on Namjoon's face, and kissed him. Yoongi disappears behind the door before Namjoon can even respond.

ii.

Namjoon can't stop thinking about it. It's like it was an otherworldly experience; like he wasn't really there and was just watching from a distance.

Subconsciously, he puts his fingertips against his lips. Yoongi's were there, had lingered there for a second before disappearing behind the door. It's already been three days since it happened, but it's still taking his mind captive.

It's sick but Namjoon craves more. That's his best friend he's talking about. He's not in  love with him... is he?

Maybe Yoongi kissing him was just the catalyst of realization for Namjoon. Maybe he's been in love with Yoongi for a long time.

He starts to panic.

His lungs constrict and he feels his heart beating at a million beats per minute, feeling as if it might burst straight through his chest if he doesn't find a way to calm down.

Then the thoughts come.

_ What if this isn't what he wants? _

_ What if that was a mistake and he didn't know what he was doing? _

_ ...What if I lose him? _

His phone chimes with a text from Yoongi. He's going to the bar, he needs a driver.

He needs to calm down, he needs to calm down.

He puts on some slow music, uses textures to distract himself, paces around, and lies on the floor for a little while before he responds to Yoongi's text, before he's ready to function again.

Namjoon can do that, he can definitely do that. It's not illegal on multiple fronts or anything. However, the prospect of another kiss puts on his shoes, takes him out the door, and rushes him to Yoongi's place.

Once at the bar, Yoongi orders double the alcohol he usually does, downs it, and starts babbling again.

_ I wanna die.  _

_ I'm so  _ stupid.

_Why can't anything work out how i want?_

It worries Namjoon, it always has.He worries about what Yoongi might do when he's alone and drinks. He worries about what happens in Yoongi's head and worries if it will grow to hurt him, worries the same for himself.

Yoongi's crying.

_Oh my god, Yoongi's crying._

"Yoongi, Yoongi, are you okay?" He asks quietly. 

Yoongi shrugs. "I don't know."

He's holding onto Namjoon, clinging to his sweatshirt as Namjoon clings to his glass of cucumber water. Yoongi cries into Namjoon's shoulder and babbles more and more about things Namjoon can't understand.

Namjoon takes Yoongi's face in his hands, shaky, and reassures him that everything is going to be okay. Yoongi seizes the opportunity and surges forward to kiss him hard as another sob wracks his body, and Namjoon can feel the tears on his lips, can almost taste the saltiness of them. It feels like bliss in a weird, sad kind of way.

Yoongi pulls away and wipes at his mouth then at his eyes with his sleeve. In a babbling sort of way, he asks Namjoon to drive them home.

Again, Namjoon drives carefully, parks horribly, cautiously helps Yoongi to his apartment, and leaves as quietly as he came but without a kiss at the doorstep.

iii.

Yoongi's angry. He's so angry he could scream, but he doesn't because one more noise complaint could land his ass on the street.

_Why_ does he keep kissing Namjoon?

_Because it feels good_, his inner voice tells him.  _He makes you _ happy.

_You love him._

Yoongi doesn't listen and picks up a bottle from the counter, takes a sip. It's been a few days since he's seen Namjoon last, and he hates to admit it, but he misses that big bastard like crazy. He misses the rush that his heart feels around him, misses the hush that falls over his screaming brain when he touches Namjoon's skin.

He daydreams about those lips again, how it felt to kiss them, how quiet his brain went. The numbness that overwhelmed him was better than anything alcohol had ever given him, scarier, sweeter. He melts at the memory of Namjoon's hands and the way they grasped his face when he kissed him in the bar. He takes a swig from his bottle to try and feel that again.

He feels a warmth bloom in his chest as if a cat had curled up in his ribcage. He hates himself for it, but, one of these days, he's going to kiss Namjoon sober. He will. He promises.

He takes another sip and slips into the feeling of unknowing.

iv, v.

It's been quite a while since Yoongi had to ask Namjoon to come and pick him up. Usually, Yoongi would have brought him along. He honestly didn't plan to get this far gone. 

Namjoon walks into the bar about half an hour after he called, or texted, whichever one he did, he can't remember. He searches for Yoongi in the swamp of damp bodies but doesn't find him for a while. Eventually, Yoongi's pout-ridden face appears beside him. Leave it to Yoongi to find a big bastard like Namjoon before Namjoon can find a little bastard like Yoongi.

Something slurs off of Yoongi's lips about kissing, and Namjoon hears it but doesn't really listen, nods about it without knowing what he really said. Yoongi takes his hand and leads him outside, kissing him once before opening the door. 

Namjoon's elated now. He has to look at his feet to make sure they're still planted on the ground and not floating off into oblivion like he feels like they should be.

To Yoongi's car he drags Namjoon, mumbling and humming and saying things without any real meaning. Babbling. He opens up the backseat and crawls in, beckoning Namjoon after him like one would beg a skittish puppy.

So Namjoon climbs in, bones rattling, teeth chattering, and hands shakingbefore he closes the door. Yoongi is suddenly on him, pulling him closer and closer, bringing Namjoon's body over his. Namjoon has to brace himself on the car door to keep from falling into Yoongi and potentially crushing him. Yoongi kisses him soft and long, and Namjoon wouldn't have it any other way.

"Mmm," Yoongi pulls away for just a moment. "Love this, love you."

Namjoon freezes. He didn't just say that did he? And, how could he mean it? He's drunk. How much can an 'I love you' mean when you're half past shitfaced?

"Don't-don't say that, Yoongi," Namjoon responds. "You're drunk. You don't mean that."

"Why wouldn't I?" Yoongi hiccups, which doesn't help his case much. "How much of a difference does it make?"

Namjoon can feel the anxiety creeping into his lungs again but does his best to fight it down. "I-I don't know, hyung."

"Oh," Yoongi hiccups again. "It's hyung now, hmm?" He smiles and takes Namjoon down to kiss him again. "Big lovely bastard," he babbles against his lips.

Namjoon doesn't fight it again, just kisses Yoongi like he wishes he could every day.

After a while, Namjoon decides it's time for Yoongi and him to go home. Yoongi whines when Namjoon breaks away, but he insists.

_It's late and I need to get you home._

_Take me home then._

Namjoon does, but halfway there, Yoongi puts a hand on Namjoon's.

_Your home._

Namjoon just nods and flicks on the blinker.

They arrive, Namjoon does the usual "Drag-Yoongi-Up-The-Stairs" routine and opens the door to his apartment, drops Yoongi off on the sofa while he goes to the restroom.

Once he comes out, Yoongi isn't there anymore and Namjoon calls out for him only to hear him return it from his bedroom. Namjoon makes his way back and finds that Yoongi has stolen a pair of his pajama pants and a t-shirt and is already nestled in his bed, making grabby hands at Namjoon. Namjoon smiles.

_It's only seven._

_It's only seven and I'm fucking tired._

Namjoon shrugs and nods before grabbing a pair of pajama pants for himself and slipping outside the door to quickly change.

He returns and Yoongi moves the covers for him to climb in, so Namjoon takes the queue and lays next to him. Yoongi snakes his arms around Namjoon's torso and pulls him close and just holds on to him tight.

_Didn't know you were a cuddler, hyung._

_Shaddup you big bastard._

A beat of silence passes.

_I love you._

This time, Namjoon says it back.

vi.

Yoongi wakes up to find an empty bed.

_What_...

_Oh my God did you _ sleep  _with Namjoon?_

_No, I would've remembered that. I just fell asleep with him. Yeah, I'm fully clothed._

Yoongi breathes out a sigh of relief, but takes it back when he realizes that he's in Namjoon's bed but there is no Namjoon in sight.

He sits up and stretches, and proceeds to throw off the blankets in search of that big bastard.

He trudges to the kitchen, eyes still sensitive to the light when he flicks it on. He doesn't see Namjoon when he walks through and onto the living room. 

_ Maybe he went out to the store or something _ , Yoongi reasons.

He meanders to the bathroom. A sniffling, shuffling noise comes from the dark room, and Yoongi hesitates for a moment. He goes to the closet and grabs a broom before pushing open the door and slowly turning on the light.

Namjoon is sitting on the tile, curled up in a ball in the corner next to the bathtub. Sobs wrack his body and Yoongi freezes. 

The broom Yoongi was holding clatters to the ground as he rushes to Namjoon.

"Joon, Joon, what's wrong?"

"Y-Yoongi?" Namjoon barely looks up at him, eyes closed against the light.

"Yeah, yeah baby, it's me," Yoongi whispers, carding his hands through Namjoon's fluffy black hair.

Namjoon hums in a choked sort of way before another sob overtakes his body. Yoongi wraps his arms around him, trying to comfort him.

"Joon, what's wrong?" Yoongi asks again.

"Scared," Namjoon responds.

"Of what, baby?"

Namjoon sniffles before answering and breaking mid sentence, "Of, of losing you." Namjoon is full on crying now, ugly sobs and wheezes heaving through him.

Yoongi's eyes start to water and he tightens his grip around Namjoon.

"Scared of losing you, hyung," Namjoon continues. "What if- what if you don't want me? What if you're-you're messing with me 'cuz, you're, like,  bored  or something? And like, what if you get bored of me? Or annoyed? What if you don't love me like you said you did?"

Namjoon has no idea how much he meant that.

But Yoongi had no idea how much this was eating at Namjoon.

"Oh, Joon," Yoongi's voice breaks. "Oh, Joon, you have no idea how much I meant that."

Namjoon doesn't say anything, just looks up at Yoongi, stares into his eyes for the first time since last night.

"I-I've loved you for a long time, Namjoon, I- oh my god," Yoongi stutters, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. "I just needed some help to say it. I was too nervous to-to lose you, too," he laughs.

Namjoon again stays silent, and Yoongi wipes the younger's face and cups his jaw. "Do you believe me now?" Yoongi teases, smile tugging at his lips.

Namjoon laughs in the only way you can when you cry and nods. His hands reach up to cradle Yoongi's face and he tilts his head to nuzzle into one of Namjoon's hands. Yoongi covers one of Namjoon's hands with his and kisses his palm. Namjoon then moves in, placing their foreheads together. Yoongi can almost hear what he's thinking, and he smiles.

"Can I kiss you?" Yoongi asks softly, eyes fluttering open to look at Namjoon.

Namjoon meets his gaze and nods, foreheads still connected until Yoongi closes the gap between them. Namjoon's grip on him tightens, fingers threading through his hair and tugging him closer. Namjoon finally sits up, still kissing Yoongi hard. He presses Yoongi down so that he's laying completely flat on the bathroom tile. Namjoon straddles him and cages him down but breaks away for a moment.

"Why's there a broom on the floor?" He asks. "Did-Did you think I was a mouse?"

Yoongi stalls. "Uh, maybe?"

Namjoon laughs and puts his head on Yoongi's chest. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"Shaddup and kiss me you big bastard," Yoongi whines.

"I can do that," Namjoon smiles. 

Yoongi's hands find their way back to his face and he smiles back, unsaid 'I love you's making their hearts burst and smiles even bigger.


End file.
